Hello strangers! You know you offer to do something and then a little voice in your head immediately screams at you "Why did you just DO that?!?" That's kind of what happened to me when I volunteered to do a guest post for the delightful Miss P.
Seeing as Paula is off on her holidays (and how I hate her for it) I thought that I would write something vaguely related to holidays. Ok that's a lie, I emailed her going "WHAT SHOULD I TALK ABOUT?!?" I've noticed that P likes her lists so in homage to her I have done the same.
The background story . . .
At the end of 2009 I had a reunion with my best friend who lives in America. I lived with her and her boyfriend in Manchester when we were all pretending to be serious scholars and gain Masters degrees. They were going to be spending the first few days of their trip in London before heading over to France and then travelling up to stay with me in Hull. I obviously couldn't wait for them to come to Hull so the boyfriend and I decided that we would go down to London and see in New Year with them.
American Girl and American Boy had arranged to stay with a friend and rather than face a ridiculously large hotel bill, I called on another person that we lived with in Manchester and asked if we could stay with him for a couple of days. Worst decision of my life.
What follows is a list of things that happened to us over the 2 nights we stayed with him. Yeah it really was only 2 nights. Felt like a lifetime.
The Girls's Guide To How to be a Terrible Host
- Only tentatively invite people to stay with you. Then leave then in a state of limbo as to whether you actually mean the offer. Don't let them know for certain until a week before the visit, meaning that finding affordable alternative accommodation is impossible
- Invite people with the words "You're more than welcome to stay at mine, although it'd probably be better if you didn't" thus rendering your potential guests totally confused as to whether you've invited them or not.
- Have a maid. In a uniform. Who doesn't speak any English. That will make everyone really comfortable.
- Fail to inform your guests that you don't actually have a spare room for them to stay. Until they arrive.
- Don't offer your guests any form of food or refreshment for their entire stay.
- Don't provide them with toilet paper for the toilet they're using.
- Have a massive party in the lounge, where your guests will be sleeping. Don't let them know that this will be happening or describe it as "A few friends coming round to play board games".
- Let the party go on until after 2am before finally twigging they might want to sleep.
- Make sure the people at the party are the most annoying spoilt brats you can find, ensuring they are incredibly irritating.
- Allow your guests and the maid to clean up after your party the next morning.
- Ask them what they plan on doing in London that day. Tell them that you're going to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park with your girlfriend and immediately follow that with "That's not an invite or anything." Awkward.
- Don't give them a key so they can come and go from the flat, despite the fact that you intend on spending no time with them whatsoever.
- Tell your guests that you'll be having an early night because of the party the night before, meaning that the guests rush back from having fun in London Town so as not to keep you up.
- Don't actually be in when they come back home, forcing them to wake your sister up instead to let them in
I hope this person is no longer your friend! Thanks for the guest post! :)