Thursday, 13 May 2010

THEN AND NOW . . . AND WHEN THE TWO COLLIDE???

Me circa 1988 or so . . .

So I wasn't the loudest of chicks back in high school. Circa 1991 - 1997 I was awkward, shy and uninteresting. Or so I believed anyway. I left school and never looked back. I didn't particularly believe the circle of friends I hung out with were that interested in keeping in touch anyway and when they didn't bother to contact me, I decided I was right and moved on with my life.

Of course, nowadays social network sites mean the past can come back to say hello. I started talking to people I knew in school online. Look at me and F - that's how we got started with our gargantuan Facebook chat session that lead to a date or nine. And I also talked to some of the girls I'd been friends with in high school.

I realise now that friendship is a two way street. I didn't really give these girls a chance to get to know me properly, too afraid of boring them . . . I assumed when we all headed our separate ways and never heard from them again that this was THEIR fault. But the blame lay with me too. When I spoke to the girl that was formerly one of my best friends, I realised this. I didn't make an effort with them either.

She's invited me to her 30th this weekend and I said I'd go. I'm going with another girl from school I haven't saw for years.

Some of the girls there will be part of my old circle of friends. The ones I was so shy and awkward around, so not the person I feel I am now.

I am worried I may regress back to that person.

Me circa now . . .

I know that people who know me nowadays laugh when I say I'm shy, when I try to describe how painfully so this was when I was a child. Just because I can laugh off an embarrassing moment these days, or come out with a rude one-liner, does not mean this has gone away. And anyway, with the people who have been in my life in the past ten or so years, I have been ABLE to reinvent myself, without pre-conceptions.

The only person FROM my high school life I have met for at least ten years is F. Okay, so that went well (at least at the time) but that was a bit different. I never felt boring around him when I was younger. I could TALK to him, even if it was about the shallowest, most light-hearted of things.

Even with the blogger meet-up in Manchester, worried I might give out a completely different personality or vibe to the one I put across here, I was not so nervous.

I'm kinda brickin' it, if I'm brutally honest. I feel like I'm about to go on a date . . . with my entire high school year. Even though as far as I'm aware there will only actually be a few people from high school there.

So I've assembled some armour. First, the pretty pretty shoes. Which will probably make me fall over.

Let's face it, I tend to fall easily. (The Manchester Tweet-up girls will be nodding in agreement here if they're reading!)

And then there's the dress. (Apologies, it wasn't on the website, and my photo has it in front of two other dresses and a coat, so it isn't the best of impressions of it. But you'll get the vague idea, I hope.)


Which is brand new from Warehouse. Which means probably at least one other person will have it. And remember how I get panicky at the idea that I may turn up in the same outfit as someone else. That being said, I look pretty in it. Which would help the confidence issue.

I then need to spend several hours fixing my hair, face and trying to cover any stray mozzie bites, and tell myself how awesome I am repeatedly, while reminding myself not to say anything EXCEPTIONALLY stupid in lieu of an awkward silence. (Since anything stupid I say will result in FURTHER awkward silence, undoubtedly . . .)

So what do I need from you guys? What is the point of this post?

I think I really just need you to talk me up, tell me how awesome I am.

Every girl needs to fish for compliments once in a while, right???

19 comments:

  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel! Well, actually I'm still friends with my best mates from high school. But I do know about being shy and having overcome that (mostly). I had a similiar thing when I went to my 10 year reunion, and realized out of all the people there, I had been the one to change the most. Weird.

    I'm sure you're going to get there, conversation will turn to some hilarious night you guys shared...and you'll feel like you never left. But of course with the new perspective that you have! Good luck :)

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  2. I think you're awesome. From reading your blog, I get the impression that you have a lot to offer in terms of interesting conversation and friendship. The people at that party will be lucky to get to know you. :)

    A Researcher of Life

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  3. You're AWESOME and I love you to bits.

    You've been to so many places, have so many stories - aren't afraid to share and laugh at some of the embarrassing things that have happened to you!

    Hell, I get the impression some folk are a bit jealous that I can hang out and get pissed with you sometimes. Sod it, I'm jealous that I'm still not in the flatshare with you - sooo much fun was had!

    Bear in mind - no one is better than you. And if someone was the bossy one in high school who said something and you just meekly accepted it then, does NOT mean you're gonna do the same now. Relax and be comfortable with who you are - and I'm fairly certain that the others will be a little nervous about this as well.

    I really hope you have a good time though.

    BLONDI ROCKS!! \m/ :D

    xXx

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  4. I hear you. I'm a completely different person to how I was when I was at school and I'm only friends with one of them and that's because I'm living with her brother!

    I didn't bother with them and they didn't really bother with me to be honest so I don't know who was to blame for that really.

    I would be feeling nervous too but the important thing is to remember that you're not that person anymore, you are the freakin' awesome person you are now. Hurrah!

    And with shoes like that you can't go wrong. And falling over never hurt anybody...oh wait...my ankle might disagree with you there.

    (I completely forgot about the meet up in Edinburgh to be honest, I'm not on Twitter and that was where it was being organised wasn't it? Boo hiss. I am awesome though. Ha! See that's something I would never have said back at school!)

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  5. I don't think I can give you good advice, because each time I went back to play in my past it never turned out well.

    Good luck and tell us about it!

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  6. i miss you!!! hope you're well...and nice pic ;)

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  7. Yeah, I didn't really keep in touch with the girls I went to school with either. I'd see some of them now and again in the various bars around town but we didn't ever talk much.

    At my high school reunion, there was an article in the paper talking about how they couldn't find certain people. I was one of the ones they couldn't find which made me laugh because really, all they needed to do was look in the phone book and they would've found me. I didn't go to the reunion. I've found that I'm apparently easily forgettable as people don't seem to remember me for some reason.

    I LOVE those shoes! So pretty! Only I never learned to walk in heels so yeah...

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  8. I know exactly how you feel. I was really really shy and awkward in high school and I lost contact with a lot of people afterward. I'm a lot more outgoing now, but I still get nervous going on first dates or when I'm in "new" situations, you know?

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  9. You're having a Blogger Meet-Up too? I hope you will blog about it! Unlike *coughKATERAPUNZELGINGERELLATUPPENCEcough*

    I find myself often wanting to erase the past. Afraid of who I used to be, who I was, and showing who I am now.

    From what I've read, you're an amazing woman. Stand tall and be proud. Even if they don't know, us bloggers know you're a gem.

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  10. You go and kick ass P!!!!!!
    That dress is gorgeous! Grey is my favourite colour :)

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  11. I am going through the EXACT same thing! Different people/groups bring out different aspects of my personality and I just wish I could always be the fun one! LOL! My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I'm not sure I want to go. I only hang out with one person from high school and she wasn't even in my class.
    It sounds to me like you're in a much better place though. You have realized what the problem is and you know who you are now. Put on your power (and hot) outfit on and walk in there with the confidence we all know you have! You are going to look amazing in that dress!
    Have fun!

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  12. Gorgeous dress! And pwetty shoes.

    But if you are prone to falling down, why not buy a pair of sandals that have lots of glitter and bling?

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  13. I hate meeting up with people from high school. I run the other way.

    But you ARE awesome. Remember how nervous you were about the Manchester meet-up and then it was great? Just remember that...and be yourself!

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  14. P- you are BEYOND awesome. You've got this thing! Don't be stressed or nervous. You're going to look super hot in that dress. And those shoes? Holy hell, those are gorgeous!! But the bottom line is that you don't need either of them - you are great just as you are! Relax and be your kick-ass self. And have fun!!! :)

    How was that for talking you up?

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  15. You will be FINE my dear....really! Just don't get TOO drunk otherwise you will fall over :) They'll love you xx

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  16. From what I can see of the dress it looks mega cute. Now you can just show them how fab you are since you aren't as shy anymore. They'll be like "whoa, this girl is AWESOME, what have I missed out on all these years"

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  17. Now i don't know you too well, only been following your blog a little while but i think you rock. Your posts regularly have me sniggering like a schoolgirl. Hope all goes well at the party. Lush dress.

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  18. I know I'm a bit late in this, but you shouldn't have worried; you're awesome just as you are!

    We all get shy moments and we all change throughout the years. Just by her inviting you she was saying that you're awesome enough to be there by what she already knew. So all you had to do was go and amaze her just that little bit more! :)

    Hope it went great!

    xx

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