Saturday, 12 June 2010

LESSONS I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING DUMPED . . .

Miss Smidge posted the other day about the legacies various exes had left her with. I realised I couldn't really think of anything . . . but that I've learned a lot from the breaking-up process myself. Lessons that I have applied to later relationships, others I haven't adhered to, but am still aware of.


Sometimes you can do everything right, and the relationship still ends.
There's no point beating yourself up over this. It's happened to me on many occasions. I don't think of myself s being a demanding girlfriend. I'm not someone who is particularly high maintenance in relationships, I'm easy-going, and as long as a guy can willingly spare some time for me, then I accept that. But then I find myself STILL getting dumped because I "seem to want too much out of a relationship".

Asking for answers is generally pointless.
It's hard to accept when a relationship is over. I hate to not know the proper reasons for why certain things happen, and I do have a tendency to over-analyse and ask for specific reasons why a guy switched off on me. Most of the time, when I HAVE asked, I didn't like the answers. Mainly because they couldn't really explain it. I just ended up feeling worse. What's the point in that?


Staying friends is hard.
It's not IMPOSSIBLE. But it's pretty difficult, especially at first. I guess it depends how it ends, whether it's amicable or not, and also whether or not you were friends in the first place. One of my exes was someone who had been a very good friend of mine before we got involved. After it ended, it was virtually impossible to maintain that friendship. As he is still someone I see regularly, this was pretty difficult for me. It has taken two and a half years for us to be able to actually have a semi-normal relationship again, but I have had to accept that we will NEVER be friends again. Merely acquaintances. Unfortunately, sex DOES change things, whether we like it or not.


Don't assume you will get back together.
Because I have had a couple of relationships which have resulted in us breaking up and getting back together not long after, it is easy to assume that this is just another of those temporary breaks. But sometimes it IS just over. It's best to assume the split is permanent and then you can start the healing process as soon as possible.


Conducting yourself with dignity is vital to your own sanity.
This is one I am starting to realise is paramount to my own self-esteem. And one which I have blatantly flaunted in the past. I'm horrendous for wanting to keep in touch, asking for answers, texting all the time, asking if we can meet up "just as friends, I still want to hang out", then crying when I see them and generally acting unstable. Which is fair enough, I've just been dumped, but I should be acting unstable in front of my FRIENDS, not in front of my ex. With F, and with the Cute Guy From the Party aka Swine Guy, I feel like I learned my lesson. When I FINALLY got the text from F, I simply replied saying it was fine, I was sorry he felt that way, but I understood. With Swine Guy, I didn't even respond to his "I can't see you anymore despite the fact we were meant to be going on a second date this very eve, because I've decided to get back with my ex who I'VE NEVER EVEN MENTIONED". I just left it and went off and ranted about what a prick he was to my friends.
(That being said, F and I ARE still in touch, albeit a few text messages every month or so. Oops.)

Give yourself some time to get over it, but don't wallow for too long.
About two months after my break-up in 2008, I was still obsessing over it. I ended up sending my ex a long email telling him exactly what I thought of his actions. (Long story, which I never talk about on here, but I'm still a little gutted about what I found out after we'd broken up.) I then got an email back where he took the high road, denied everything and made me feel worse about myself. It was around this point when one of my friends basically said to me I needed to get over it. She said she understood I was sad and upset but when she had first met me the year before, I'd been so much fun and happy, and she hated to see me this way because it was like he was all I could think about and I was so miserable. Do you know something? It was the most sensible thing everyone has ever said to me. I think it was around about that point when I snapped out of it.


WRITE the angry email detailing everything you want to say to him if you must. But don't SEND it.
Reasons as above. Although I remember writing an email I would never send to my previous ex and putting it on my old blog. Of course, when I was outed by my colleagues, they showed the ex the post in question so he DID end up reading it after all. Apparently though, he waved it off and said it was all true. So perhaps sometimes it DOES work. But I wouldn't advise it.


If you delete his number, yet keep the sweet messages he sent you once upon a time, it slightly negates the number deletion thing.
I don't have F's number stored in my phone, but I DO have text messages saved in there. Hence the occasional texting that still occurs. That being said, if you have to actually find a text message from your ex in order to send him a text, it slightly dulls the impulsive feeling to do so, and gives you time to think.


A crush always helps.
I know some people firmly maintain that the best way to get over a person is to get under another. I don't really subscribe to that belief myself, but I DO believe developing a crush on someone else, whether it's a attainable one or not, is always nice. It gets your mind off the previous relationship while you obsess over whether your crush wants you too. It's like a little hobby and it's fun!


You WILL find someone else.
So many times after a break-up, I've thought that was it. I'd never meet another guy, or not one I "clicked" with as well as I did my ex. They always DO come along when you least expect it though. I'm still waiting for my next one BUT I'm holding out for a GREAT one. Losers need not apply.


Obviously, these rules are not tailored to everyone, they are just things I have learned based on my own experience.


What are YOUR rules?

19 comments:

  1. Write the angry email but don't send it is my favorite! Such good advice.

    I have another rule- Take it out on your hair. A new 'do always makes me feel sexy and ready to be single again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yours are pretty good actually, I think I'll just go with them. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. My rules: use a silencer, have an alibi, and make sure you know how to hide a body properly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Um, I think you pretty much covered it. This is an amazing list.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh I SO agree with everything! Men are so stupid. I find it impossible to be immediate friends with an ex. I am with all of mine, but only because it was months after when I started talking to them again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yep, I think you've covered this subject pretty well! It's always a really good moment when you finally delete those messages and the number. I think your first point is the best of all - sometimes there is nothing you could have done - that's just the way it is. Well said!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with everything on this list, especially about getting answers. One ex told me that he didn't owe me any answers and that I meant nothing to him. Sooooo...why was he going out with me again then?! He was a real a-hole.

    I'm actually somewhat friends with one guy who dumped me. I thought he was "THE ONE" only he didn't feel the same way about me. He wanted to marry the next girl he dated. And then did marry the NEXT girl after that. So yeah, pretty much felt like he wanted to marry everyone BUT me! I hear from him now and again and I swear, every friggin' email, he has to mention his wife. Just in case I might forget that he's married now!

    ReplyDelete
  8. After my 1st "serious" relationship I completely forgot how to handle a break up! I cried for days, I called, I texted, I dropped by I was PSYCHO. Oh and yup after all that we hooked up for awhile and I would totally cry right in front of him! So pathetic I make myself sick lol But I have been with my BF for over 3 years and I am hoping I never have to use these rules again or have some of my own! My fingers are crossed =D

    ReplyDelete
  9. God, isn't this the truth? Seriously. Took the words right out of my head and heart.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My last break up was actually pretty easy to get over. I didn't care that we broke up, but it sucked to find out he lied to me, and I effectively wasted two weeks in Glasgow when I could've been in the Greek Islands or Barcelona or somewhere... oh I don't know... warm.
    The Glandular Fever/Mono he gave me that turned up about a month after we broke up.... that's been a little harder to get over. Six months on and I'm still fatigued out the waazoo. What makes it worse is that he probably carried it to me from the other girl he was seeing behind my back, which really... just makes the fact that I'm still sick, six months after the fact, all the more delightful.
    Blah.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My rules are pretty much exactly the same as yours! I only really have one other one: every time you remember something nice about him or what you were together, try to remember two bad things, even if you end up repeating "he dumped me" as one of the bad things over and over again! I find this VERY cathartic!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Good list! I'm still learning but I've found getting a new hairstyle and wearing things I know he'd hate very satisfying :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Good timing! I wish my ex and I had such good timing!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Aaah a very apt post for me at the moment, even if I'm the one doing the dumping.

    In the past I've been horrific for asking questions and trying to find out why why why why why. It's only now that I've broken up with the boyfriend that I've suddenly realised that sometimes it's inexplicable - you can't say it's one thing because sometimes it's just indefinable. It's definitely something I'm going to try and remember should I ever get dumped again!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm definitely with you on the one that a crush always helps - it truly does!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I agree with these! I especially am a fan of WRITING the e-mail but not sending it and getting a crush ASAP.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is EXCELLENT. Particularly this:

    "Sometimes you can do everything right, and the relationship still ends."

    It can be so hard to remember, but very, very true.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've done the thing where I write out an angry e-mail with every small detail of his betrayal and totally MEAN and viscious & awful - and did NOT press send. It felt good to psuedo vent!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Very good rules. Especially the dignity one! No one wants to look crazy.

    ReplyDelete

You wanna leave me a comment? Come on, you know you want to really . . . ;)